Tristan has been devouring code day and night since 1984. 42 years later, the loop is still running.
Do not feed after midnight. Except coffee.
1while (alive()) {2 eat();3 sleep();4 code();5 repeat();6}
alive() = trueiteration no. —
Handwritten in 1984, never changed since. It runs in production 24/7. Here is the code review it had to endure.
while (alive()) { eat(); sleep(); code(); repeat();}
Original version, copied exactly as written: While Alive() {eat(); sleep(); code(); repeat();}
Live readings since the first boot in 1984. The numbers go up while you read. So does he: he's coding while you read.
Calculation method: highly scientific. One coffee every five hours, one can every seven and a half hours, twelve bugs a day, and always one more bug than fixes.
Complies with no known standard. Do not update during a build. Do not throw away: still repairable with coffee.
Extract from the system log, printed on continuous paper. Not a single line was made up. Well, hardly any.
Full history, pulled from the main repository. No commit has been rewritten. He just did one or two push --force.
$ git log --oneline --graph --all
3d3bc5a(HEAD -> main)wipf2849defeat: a whole website to make fun of me (coded at 3 a.m., obviously)2d96e9brefactor: replace coffee with double coffeece68becfeat: remote work. No need to go home to code any more8152784merge: branch "holidays" into "code" (conflict resolved in favour of code)9a0a967revert: "attempt to sleep 8 hours"b6004c2feat: add a line without a semicolon (nobody will notice)c1953d6(v2000)fix: Y2K bug. The world never thanked me7e3edbfchore: manufacturer warranty expiredf7ebcb6chore: open ticket no. 1 "social_life() not found"960aa3afeat: discovered coffee. BREAKING CHANGE94b0c53feat: memorise the Konami code (most useful skill of his life)2493099(v1.0)feat: first computer. sleep() disabled5e72e96Initial commit$ git status
On branch main. Ahead of origin/sleep by 54 years.
Changes not staged for commit: absolutely everything.
Forensics arrived at 4:12 a.m. after neighbours reported "continuous keyboard noise since 1984". Click the yellow markers to read the police report.
Smiling at the camera. Claims to be "almost going to bed". Nobody believes him.
Ruffled by 42 years of "just one last commit". No comb was found at the scene.
Estimated quantity: 1,337. The suspect calls it his "liquid cooling system".
Stacked in chronological order. The oldest date back to version 1.0 of his first add-on.
All switched on. One of them displays code written in 2009. Nobody dares touch it.
It reads "TODO: sleep". Status: pending since 1991.
A hand-drawn API diagram. The pizza stains serve as anchor points.
Has taken on the exact shape of the suspect. Application for listed-monument status in progress.
Contains a coffee from 2019. It is believed to have developed its own consciousness. And a fork on GitHub.
Conclusion. No casualties, apart from sleep. Case closed: the suspect failed to appear for questioning, he was "just finishing something".
We opened his brain's task manager. Select a process, then click "End task". Good luck.
The human body is 60 % water. His: 60 % coffee, 30 % Coke and 10 % cold pizza. Here are the numbers, calculated live since 1984, with highly questionable scientific rigour.
The Red Cross has reclassified his blood as "ristretto". Donation refused: too strong.
The delivery guy has his own key, a mug with his name on it and a seat at the table at Christmas.
He calls it his "liquid cooling system". His dentist calls it early retirement.
Infinite Loop Corner Shop
404 Last-Commit Street · Valais
Receipt no. 1984-∞ · open 24/7 since 1984
| Item | CHF |
|---|---|
| Coffee, 2 dl mug | |
| — × 3.80 | — |
| Pizza Ø 33 cm | |
| — × 19.50 | — |
| Coke, 33 cl can | |
| — × 1.90 | — |
| Sleep × 0 | 0.00 |
| Vegetables × 0 | not found |
| Still water × 1 | in the coffee |
| Loyalty discount since 1984 | -0.05 |
| TOTAL CHF | — |
VAT 8.1 % included. Calories not included.
Paid in: lines of code
Thank you for your loyalty. See you later. Literally.
Roughly the price of a chalet in Verbier. Well, a garage in Verbier.
Calculation method: one mug = 2 dl and 80 mg of caffeine; one can = 33 cl, 11.5 cm tall, 35 g of sugar and 13 g of aluminium; one pizza box = 4 cm; one pizza = 33 cm across. The numbers are wrong, but the orders of magnitude are terrifying.
Official reading of his hard drive, obtained with the wc -l command. The drive asked for a break during the count. He didn't.
$ wc -l ~/code/since-1984/**/*
| — | lines written |
| — | lines debugged (yes, more than lines written: nobody knows how) |
| — | lines deleted the next morning, with a sigh |
| — | "temporary" lines, still in production |
| — | "// TODO: fix this" comments |
| — | lines nobody understands any more, himself included |
| 1 | missing semicolon (since 2009) |
| — | total: way too many, and not enough to finish TreasureQuest |
— km of paper from Martigny. Expected to reach Brig in —, if the printer holds out.
— km of paper: Brig is behind us. The printer is heading for the Simplon Pass.
His keyboard applied for early retirement. Refused: a few lines were still missing.
An algorithm proven since 1984, taught nowhere and applied everywhere. Complexity: O(∞). Exit condition: not found.
Lap no. 1
goto 1
Average cycle time: between five minutes and three weeks (see "Five minutes" in the dictionary).
All these projects really exist. They were coded at night, shipped by day, and some are used by hundreds of thousands of people. Click a floppy disk to see the victim.
More than 30 add-ons for The Lord of the Rings Online, published as homeopatix. 2.3 million downloads in total: people actually install his stuff.
AltHolic
870,000+ downloads. He convinced 870,000 players to manage their alts instead of going to bed. It's contagious.
WhereToPlay
155,000+ downloads. Tells players where to play for their level. He always knows where to code: everywhere.
Voyage
135,000+ downloads. One-click teleport: the only known way to make him travel without letting go of the keyboard.
Games where you survive the night, hunt for treasure and watch AIs play football. Nothing to do with his life, of course.
TreasureQuest
In development. Like 100 % of his personal projects since 1984.
UntilWhen
Survive as long as possible, especially at night. He's been training for 42 years.
ZombieLife
Autobiographical documentary, shot the day after an all-nighter.
AI Football
He even delegated sport to an artificial intelligence. He codes during the match.
Treasure hunt
The real treasure was the coffee we drank along the way.
3D Logo
A globe spinning in an endless loop, never stopping. Any resemblance to his schedule is purely coincidental.
Five sites for businesses in Valais. They were delivered, they are online, and they were coded at hours employment law would rather not know about.
Chez Pewee
A "quiet and bright" flat. He had to look up what "bright" meant.
Chez Pat
A café's website. Load testing was carried out at the counter, in person.
Chez Barney & Cie
Dog grooming. The four-legged clients sleep more than he does, by a long way.
Christophe Pierroz SA
Plumbing, zero leaks. The only leak tolerated: memory, in his old programs.
PhysioCime SA
Physiotherapy. Essential for a back hunched over a screen since 1984.
La botte
He built their site for free. In exchange, he's paid in pizzas. He's already received his 2031 salary.
Meine Kleine Ecke
A site called "My little corner". He has one too: between screen no. 3 and the stack of pizza boxes. He hasn't left it since 1984.
When he's not coding for others, he codes for himself. When he's not coding for himself… no, that doesn't happen.
Poster put up all over Valais, from Martigny to Brig. No witnesses have come forward so far. Police believe the missing party fled to people who go to bed at 10 p.m.
Missing
Missing since 1984
If you see it, do not approach suddenly: it's shy. Call the mad coder. He won't pick up, but it's the thought that counts.
Tick honestly. Nobody's watching, except your webcam.
Forecasts calculated daily by a Stack Overflow–certified astrologer. Pick your sign. Predictions change every day at midnight, the time he starts coding.
Horoscope for —
—
—
Lucky number: —
A bug in production? An unhappy client? The mad coder's dot-matrix printer supplies you with a certified excuse, printed in 1984 and never used twice. In theory.
Waiting for a bug…
1984 edition, revised and corrected at 3 a.m. Essential for understanding what he actually means.
The classics. Tested, approved and repeated at every coffee break since 1984. Click a card to reveal the punchline.
An SQL query walks into a bar, goes up to two tables and asks:
"Can I join you?"
– "Knock knock!"
– "Who's there?"
(Very long 10-minute pause)
– "Java."
"There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't."
"It works on my machine!"
(The most famous sentence in the history of software, uttered right when shipping to production.)
Why do developers mix up Halloween and Christmas?
Because OCT 31 = DEC 25.
"Get a litre of milk. And if they have eggs, get six."
He comes back with six litres of milk.
"There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors."
"99 little bugs in the code, 99 little bugs…
Take one down, patch it around…"
"127 little bugs in the code."
How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That's a hardware problem.
Why do developers prefer dark mode?
Because light attracts bugs.
"Which idiot wrote this code?!"
(git blame)
"… Oh. It was me."
"There's no place like 127.0.0.1"
(There's no place like home. Especially for a developer who never leaves it.)
Tried calling him? Of course he didn't pick up. His 1984 answering machine takes over. Press a key, there's a message for every situation.
Hello, you've reached the mad coder. He can't answer right now: he's coding. Press a key.
We interviewed the direct witnesses. They agreed to talk, on condition of anonymity.
“The Enter key has been replaced three times. I fear for what's next.”
The keyboard“I've been working overtime since 1984. Nobody ever asks how I'm doing.”
The coffee machine“We last saw each other on a Tuesday. I no longer remember which year.”
The bed“There are 1,336 of us waiting to be recycled. He says we're part of the décor.”
Can no. 1,337“42 years of double-clicks. I have calluses.”
The mouse“We've never really met.”
The sunZzz
Snooker Trainer
Pizzeria menu
CSS cake